Saturday, May 14, 2011

English lesson

Recently, the redhead and I stopped into our favorite watering hole for dinner and a few beers.  We seated ourselves and shortly had a couple of frosty beverages in front of us.  A few sips later, it became apparent that, in addition to dinner and beer, we were also going to be treated to a lesson in the use of what Ralphie referred to as "...THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!" Sitting immediately behind us was a thirty-something woman and an older couple.  Thirty-something was engaged in a loud, almost-continuous monolog, the point of which was virtually incomprehensible other then demonstrating her expertise in the use of the word, "fuck." Her skills were, indeed, impressive and she practiced them relentlessly.  As we drank our beer, a cloud of obscenity was being generated at the adjacent table that, seemingly, filled the bar and sucked all conscious thought into itself.  The redhead and I were speechless and were unable to do anything but sit there, mesmerized by the torrent of cursing next to us.

She favored its use as an adjective, "...and, like, the fuckin' guy came over the other fuckin' night." or "The fuckin' air conditioner fell out of the fuckin' window and it was so fuckin' hot after that." but mixed it up a lot and also used it as a verb ("..and I told the fuckin' people to go fuck themselves."), a noun (", like, what the fuck was up with that fucker?"), and even as an adverb ("After the cops showed up, we started fuckin' runnin' down the fuckin' alley.").  Of course, being well-practiced, she frequently combined multiple forms in a single sentence ("Those fucked-up fuckers down at the fuckin' bail bond place.")  But she demonstrated her mastery of the word by using it as verbal punctuation:  A comma ("So, fuck, what was I supposed to do with a fuckin' engine block in my front yard?"), a period ("...and he fuckin' didn't even give me fuckin' gas money, fuck."), an exclamation point ("...and then, the fucker called his fuckin' mother, the fuckin' whore!  Fuck! Just fuck!"), and even an ellipsis ("But what really fuckin' pissed me off is when the fuckin' bitch said I was just fuckin' trailer trash. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.").

The older couple sitting with 30-something seemed to be as dumbfounded as the redhead and I; they just sat there, staring blankly at her as she rocketed along her verbal trajectory.  Realizing there was some truly powerful ju-ju at work, I thought a counter-spell might be in order; raising my voice a decibel, I said - apropos of  nothing, "I could not fucking believe that fucking United would pull a fucking stunt like that!  I mean, what the fuck?  The bunch of fucking fuckers!"  This worked, but on the wrong target.  The female half of the older couple, whipped her head around like a lassoed steer at a rodeo and stared at me.  Thirty-something hesitated long enough to light another cigarette and started up where she left off.  My mojo was no match for hers; I was defeated.

...and so it went for our entire stay ("Fuckin', fucked up bunch of fuckin' fuckers, fuck!").  We paid up ("...and then the fuckin' mother-fucker really fucked up fuckin' big time!") and walked, almost zombie-like, to the door ("I can't even fuckin' imagine how fuckin' fucked-up I would fuckin' have to be to do that kind of fuckin' shit").

Driving home, the redhead summed the evening up succinctly, "What the fuck?"


  1. Well, fuck, if I had known it was you sitting there, I would've fuckin' said hello!

  2. OK, I totally lost it at "ellipses: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

  3. The summary cracked me up. What else could you say? I mean, fuck.

  4. Falahime: Fuck you for be so fucking anti-social.

    Maya: I thought that was pretty fucking funny, too.

    Sheri: Fuck, yeah.

  5. Well, fuck that shit!*

    *See, you should have countered with a "shit-storm." Like this:

    "Then this shit-faced git shitting gave me some shit about all the shit that went down, and I was like, 'Shit, why're you givin' me shit?!'"

    I am just full of good advice.

  6. You are, indeed, Andrea. The use of a counter-obscenity never occurred to me. Thank you very fucking much.