The Squirrely wrath Beer Chronicles, Part I

I know a little bit about beer.  I've been brewing my own for just short of 19 years and am a National-level BJCP-certified beer judge.  How does one get to be a beer judge, you might ask?  The same way you get to Carnegie Hall, my friend...practice.  In any case, as anyone who has not been living in a cave on the dark side of the moon for the past twenty years knows, craft brewing has returned to America after Prohibition - thank you, all you early 20th century do-gooders - killed it.  In fact, craft brewing has become so popular that it can almost be confusing going to a store for beer these days and being confronted with a virtual rainbow of choices...and I have been asked, "What do people who know about beer drink when they are drinking beer?"  To that, I have to respond:  It doesn't matter what I drink.  The best thing you can do is to just try different beers - and in the process, support you local craft brewer - and decide what you like.  Beer is a big universe - far bigger than the budmillercoors crowd would have you believe - and you need to find your own space in it.  It's about what you like.  However, for those who feel they need guidance, I'm here for you.

This is going to have to be multiple posts as there is just too much to write about.  This first post will be devoted to my favorite breweries, the second will be about my favorite brewpubs, the third will be about my favorite beers, and finally, the last will be a short tutorial on beer appreciation and what makes for a good beer.

...and so, it begins.

The Squirrely wrath List of Top Ten Breweries

Before I begin, let me qualify what follows by saying that my favorites are limited to breweries that I have actually had an opportunity to sample their wares.  Obviously, this list is subject to change as my range of experience expands and, if you think there is a glaring omission here, by all means let me know.  I really don't need an excuse to try a new beer.


Drum roll, please.....

1. Sierra Nevada - It's not much of a stretch to call Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, "iconic."  This beer defines the American pale ale style and it is virtually impossible to drink any American pale ale without comparing it to Sierra Nevada's relentlessly hopped version.  Sierra Nevada's other beers are uniformly good - and their seasonal Celebration is awesome - but their Pale Ale alone earns them a place on this list.
2. Deschuttes - The person who introduced me to this Bend, Oregon brewery said, "These guys just don't know how to make bad beer."  I'd disagree; they don't even know how to make mediocre beer.  Deschuttes' Black Butte Porter is probably the best example of this style being brewed today.
3. New Belgium - Just as Sierra Nevada Pale Ale has defined what can be done with hops in a beer, New Belgium's Fat Tire sets the example for what can be done with a malt-dominated beer and their other beers are uniformly interesting and tasty.  When their 2 Degree Below seasonal is available, I never pass it up.  Besides, they had a brew dog named Arrow that is posthumously remembered in their Mighty Arrow beer...you just got to like them for that alone.
4. Anchor - Fritz Maytag, of the washing machine Maytags, bought an abandoned brewery and, arguably, began the craft brewing revolution in America.  While Fritz's rather ruthless defense of his "Steam Beer" trademark has not sit well with many brewers, Anchor Steam remains another iconic, exclusively American beer style and Anchor's annual Christmas Ale, good, bad, or just plain weird, is always much anticipated in the beer community.
5. Uinta Brewing - Utah's arcane beer laws place alcohol restrictions on beer brewed within the state and yet, Uinta has worked within those boundaries and produced Cutthroat Pale Ale, easily my favorite low alcohol beer.  Whenever, I am back in my home state, my trunk is invariably filled with cases of Cutthroat.
6. Marstons - Okay, your brewery is in Burton-on-Trent, the heart of Britain's brewing industry...you better know how to make beer.  Fortunately, this 1834 established brewery has had lost of practice and, just as SNPA defines the American pale ale style, Marstons Pedigree defines the English version.
7. Cantillon - One word, "lambic."  Forget what everything you think you know about what beer is and try a bottle from this Belgian brewery.  You might hate it, you might love it, but I promise it will be an adventure.
8. Victory Brewing - This Pennsylvania brewery is another place that seems incapable of making uninteresting beer.  Their Hop Devil is a not to be missed beer and their limited release of Yakima Twilight last year...all I can say is, "Wow!"
9. Stone Brewing - When a brewery names their flagship beer "Arrogant Bastard Ale," it's pretty much a sign that they don't give a crap about what you think about their beer...and that's a good thing.  Stone is know for making big, complex, high-alcohol beers and, if you are not collecting their yearly Vertical Epic releases...well, why the hell not??
10. Chimay - Belgium is blessed with many, many, many breweries, all brewing their own unique beer styles most of which never make it to the United States.  Chimay is generally available and all of their beers are just dang good.

This is my list and be warned that, were I to write this blog next week or next month or next year, the list might well be different.  It's a tribute to how much good beer there is being made in America these days that my list of Honorable Mentions is rather lengthy:  Ninkasi Brewing (Tricerahops Double IPA), Russian River (Pliny the Elder), Three Floyds (Alpha King, Robert the Bruce), Goose Island (Nut Brown Ale), Bells (Two -Hearted Ale), Middle Ages (Druid Fluid...funny story here, but it will have to wait), New Glarus (Elkhorn Octoberfest), and others that, no doubt escape me at the moment.

Say what you want about the U.S. of A. right now, but it's a great time to be a beer-lover.

But wait, there's more!  Here's a special added bonus feature:

Inevitably, there were breweries worthy of mention that I neglected to add to the above list, most notably Flying Dog Brewing - they make great beer and have Ralph Steadman designing their labels; wrapping awesome around awesome.  I also have to, begrudgingly, add Dogfish Head to the list.  I mean, their 60, 90, and 120 Minute IPA's are great beers, but for the love of Gawd, Sam, enough with all these silly, gimmicky beers.  Ice from Antarctica for the brewing water for Pangea?  Get back to me when you're ready to take beer seriously again, Dogfish.

...and a posthumous mention of the William S. Newman Brewing Co. of Albany, NY.  For me, the craft brewing revolution started in 1982 when I walked into Newman's, carrying my then 1-year-old Daughter #1, and bought a box of beer (this was a 1 gallon, soft plastic container in a cardboard box) from Bill Newman himself - he actually went into the back and filled it.  Here's the conversation:

Bill:  First time here?
Me:  Yeah.
Bill:  Wanna taste?
Me:  Okay.
Bill (pointing to Daughter #1):  What about her?  She want a taste, too?
Me:  Naw...it's a little early for her, but I'm good. Set me up.

Newman's packaging sucked and the beer was, by today's standards, mediocre, but it was one of the first ripples of the tidal wave that was coming.

English lesson

Recently, the redhead and I stopped into our favorite watering hole for dinner and a few beers.  We seated ourselves and shortly had a couple of frosty beverages in front of us.  A few sips later, it became apparent that, in addition to dinner and beer, we were also going to be treated to a lesson in the use of what Ralphie referred to as "...THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!" Sitting immediately behind us was a thirty-something woman and an older couple.  Thirty-something was engaged in a loud, almost-continuous monolog, the point of which was virtually incomprehensible other then demonstrating her expertise in the use of the word, "fuck." Her skills were, indeed, impressive and she practiced them relentlessly.  As we drank our beer, a cloud of obscenity was being generated at the adjacent table that, seemingly, filled the bar and sucked all conscious thought into itself.  The redhead and I were speechless and were unable to do anything but sit there, mesmerized by the torrent of cursing next to us.

She favored its use as an adjective, "...and, like, the fuckin' guy came over the other fuckin' night." or "The fuckin' air conditioner fell out of the fuckin' window and it was so fuckin' hot after that." but mixed it up a lot and also used it as a verb ("..and I told the fuckin' people to go fuck themselves."), a noun ("...so, like, what the fuck was up with that fucker?"), and even as an adverb ("After the cops showed up, we started fuckin' runnin' down the fuckin' alley.").  Of course, being well-practiced, she frequently combined multiple forms in a single sentence ("Those fucked-up fuckers down at the fuckin' bail bond place.")  But she demonstrated her mastery of the word by using it as verbal punctuation:  A comma ("So, fuck, what was I supposed to do with a fuckin' engine block in my front yard?"), a period ("...and he fuckin' didn't even give me fuckin' gas money, fuck."), an exclamation point ("...and then, the fucker called his fuckin' mother, the fuckin' whore!  Fuck! Just fuck!"), and even an ellipsis ("But what really fuckin' pissed me off is when the fuckin' bitch said I was just fuckin' trailer trash. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.").

The older couple sitting with 30-something seemed to be as dumbfounded as the redhead and I; they just sat there, staring blankly at her as she rocketed along her verbal trajectory.  Realizing there was some truly powerful ju-ju at work, I thought a counter-spell might be in order; raising my voice a decibel, I said - apropos of  nothing, "I could not fucking believe that fucking United would pull a fucking stunt like that!  I mean, what the fuck?  The bunch of fucking fuckers!"  This worked, but on the wrong target.  The female half of the older couple, whipped her head around like a lassoed steer at a rodeo and stared at me.  Thirty-something hesitated long enough to light another cigarette and started up where she left off.  My mojo was no match for hers; I was defeated.

...and so it went for our entire stay ("Fuckin', fucked up bunch of fuckin' fuckers, fuck!").  We paid up ("...and then the fuckin' mother-fucker really fucked up fuckin' big time!") and walked, almost zombie-like, to the door ("I can't even fuckin' imagine how fuckin' fucked-up I would fuckin' have to be to do that kind of fuckin' shit").

Driving home, the redhead summed the evening up succinctly, "What the fuck?"

How to become a super hero.

Step 1:  Acquire one or more super powers.  If this is not possible, then acquisition of highly advanced and not-generally-available technology is essential.

Step 2:  Design and make a cool-looking Spandex suit.  Yes, I know that "cool-looking Spandex" is an oxymoron.

Note that the order of these steps is important:

A fashion dilemma...help!

I am in need of fashion advice and what better way to get it than ask anonymous strangers on the Internet.  So here goes...

The Background
For my 50th birthday, the redhead gave me a diamond stud.  This was completely unexpected and not something I had ever even thought about having, but there it was.  In truth, the gift was both a birthday present and memento of my recent transition from a techie gearhead slaving away in the military-industrial complex to an owner/operator of a kite store.  So I thought about it and then thought about it some more and then went and got my (left) ear pierced.  Yes, that would have been me, in line with a bunch of tweeners getting our ears pierced.  Yeah.

They say that if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans and my "retirement" lasted an entire month as it seems the military-industrial complex was not done with me.  In any case, I returned to the techie gearhead world newly accessorized:

Representation of my diamond stud in situ.  The presence of the cows in the background is unexplained.

The Dilemma
Fast forward seven years.  My left ear, as some of you know, still looks like the above picture.  Then, for a recent anniversary, the redhead decides that my accessorization needs an upgrade:

Fashion accessory V2.0.  Again, the presence of the cow in the background is unexplained.

A pirate earring.  Yes, it's a pirate earring, but Captain Jack Sparrow never had one made out of freaking titanium!  Yeah, that's aerospace-quality, forged titanium decorating my earlobe there.  Dang cool, right?  Did I mention that it's titanium?  Having said that, I'm thinking that the military-industrial complex may not be ready for pirate chic, but my 21st century fashion sense may not be entirely up to date (Note: Most of my "wardrobe" carries a Hamilton Carhartt label).

So, here's your chance to weigh in and help shape the Squirrely look of the future.  Discrete stud or flamboyant titanium earring?

Earth Day at the Fortress of Solitude

We celebrated Earth Day here at the Fortress of Solitude yesterday.  Yes, I know that "officially" Earth Day is this Friday, the 22nd, but - I'm sorry - we work for a living.  So this weekend was our celebration.

The festivities began when I woke up and was wandering about the backyard with my coffee and noticed that, somehow, it had transformed into the Kingdom of the Spiders and, this being southern Nevada, that means black widow spiders - big fucking black widow spiders.  I'm "WTF?  When did this happen?" but headed to the garage where we keep a collection of spider toxins.  I didn't deem the situation serious enough resort to my bottle of Demon X, a pesticide purchased at a Shanghai street market - where they are freaking serious about killing "pests," environmental impact be damned - and undoubtedly is considered a WMD by many UN commissions.  I commenced to dispatch spiders in my backyard and then moved into the front yard, where the spider population proved to be booming, too.  I returned to the backyard to find the porch covered with cockroaches, unhappy with the fact that I had poisoned them.  Cockroaches are ubiquitous here in the desert...never seen them in the house, however.  I think the scorpions scare them off.

During my spider slaughtering adventures, I noticed that weeds were getting a little out of control, too. Here's the thing: This is the middle of the Mohave Desert, one of the most hostile botanical environments in the world; no rain to speak of and the "soil" is a powdered mixture of limestone and gypsum- dig a hole here and you have a lime pit - and yet, I have weeds.  I have to respect the tough little fuckers, but we have an HOA that gets all tense about "unsightly weeds."  They have to die.  So...Round-Up time.  Yippee-kai-yay, motherfuckers.  Oh...and happy Earth Day, Mother Gaia.

But, the festivities were just getting started.  By the time, I had finished my environmental atrocities and was surveying the sea of dead spiders and roaches and rapidly wilting weeds - in my mind, the weeds were screaming, "Oh, you wretched little man, we're melting, melting...." - the redhead was up and asking what the plan was for the day.  I replied that I was wanting to install the new filter on our water line and needed to take a trip to Lowes.  I asked if she wanted to come along and she said, "Oh, yeah.  I've got a 10% off coupon.  Let's go."  I sensed that my plan for the day was beginning to unravel since the redhead in a store with a coupon is pretty much like Charlie Sheen at a porn star convention.  But, off we went...

Since I recognized we would need a "cargo vehicle" for this trip, we took Big Red, the prerequisite large pick-up truck that any real resident of Nevada must possess - again, happy Earth Day, Mother Gaia.

We get to Lowes and the redhead says, "Let's go by the nursery and and look at their rosebushes.  We need one for the one spot over in the corner."  An hour and a cart full of plants later, I say, "I guess I'm not going to be doing plumbing today."  "Let's get what you need anyway.  We have a 10% off coupon," the redhead replies.  "We always have a 10% off coupon.  Lowes bribes you to shop here.  Besides, I've forgotten what I need," I reply and we leave.

The rest of the afternoon is spent gardening.  Now, per my comment above, gardening in southern Nevada consists of digging a ginormous hole - not infrequently, a pick is required - filling said hole with compost, and then planting your new plant in the middle of the compost.  Think of it as in-ground container gardening.  No, I'm not making this up.  Dirt - one hesitates to call it "soil" - is literally white here.

So, you're thinking, "Gardening seems pretty darn Earth-friendly, doesn't it?"  Yeah, well, bite me.  Remember that I spent the morning slaughtering the native plants that Mother Gaia, by raising the Sierra Nevada mountains 5 million years ago and putting the Great Basin in their rain shadow, decreed should be growing in my yard.  What we were doing yesterday was an "unnatural" act of human arrogance; remaking our backyard into a human-friendly environment.  In effect, laughing at the dictates of Mother Gaia, and through the liberal use of human-generated compost, fertilizer, and piped-in water, re-engineering the botanical nightmare she had created in southern Nevada.  Happy Earth Day, Mother Gaia.

But, as usual, Mother Gaia had one last statement to make yesterday.  We had just finished up and I was lounging in the newly-landscaped backyard with a cold beverage, when the Las Vegas Wash caught on fire.  This actually happens all the time.  The wash is populated by native plants that require a good brush fire as part of their reproductive cycle and they are pretty much programmed to go up in flames frequently.  The first time I saw one of these fires, it was quite alarming; 50 foot flames, pushing a column of thick black smoke hundreds of feet in the air less than a mile from the Fortress of Solitude.  However, ten years into our occupation of the Fortress of Solitude, a fire in the wash is little more than an entertaining late afternoon spectacle.  So, there I was contentedly sipping my cold beverage, when the wind-blown ash from the fire arrived.  All of a sudden, it was raining blackened chunks of immolated plants....and we're talking Pompeii Lite here.  I'm sitting there, picking ashes out of my beer and watching my pool fill up with black crap, when it occurs to me, "I wonder how people in Miagyi will be celebrating Earth Day this year?"

Egypt...

As I write this, the media is having a full-on, screaming orgasm over Hosni Murabak stepping down and even our President is pronouncing that "the people have spoken" or some such bullshit.  Let's step back and recognize that transitions of power, driven by popular uprising,  in the Mideast have, in recent history, been bad for western civilization, in general, and the United States, specifically.

When the Shah of Iran stepped down, Iran descended into chaos and was stabilized only when the present collection of nutjobs, who are building nuclear weapons as fast as they can, took over.  Advantage?  Not western civilization as we know it or the United States.

After the mujaheddin kicked the Russians out of Afghanistan, the country descended into chaos where it still remains, much to the detriment of the United States and our sons and daughters deployed there for reasons which are hard to ascertain at this point.

When the Soviet Union collapsed, the Balkans also descended into chaos - we can call the Balkans part of the Mideast here, because the incursions of the jihadists in the Middle Ages were a direct cause of the recent problems there - and, after more expenditure of the United States treasury, this was stabilized for the moment, at least.

When Saddam Hussein was deposed, rightly or wrongly by the intervention of the United States, Iraq descended into chaos, much to the detriment of our sons and daughters who were and are deployed there with a mission which has proven to be misguided.

...and yet our media, which seemingly has the attention span of a teenager with an iPod, is declaring that Egypt is a triumph of "the people" and "democracy."  We all should seriously hope this is true.  However, democracy has a damned shitty track record in the Mideast.

For some perspective, let's look at another example of a people's uprising in recent history.  Tienanmen Square, at the time, was reported as an uprising of students against the oppressive Communist regime...and when the government called in the military to put down the revolt "by any means necessary," it was an atrocity and is still held out today as and example of an out-of-control and self-serving government.

For reasons that are unimportant here, my first trip to China was in 1999 and I met with Chinese nationals, entrepreneurs in the "New China," who pointed out that Tienanmen Square was not just a bunch of unhappy students who couldn't buy Levis.  Tienanmen Square was a manifestation of a country-wide dissatisfaction with the state of affairs in China after years and years of Chairman Mao's corrupt mismanagement.  The Chinese leadership at the time realized that they had two choices: Send in the military to put down what was a really a widespread revolt or pack their bags and get out of the country.  They sent in the military...and who among us believes our own President would not make the same decision in a similar situation?

The take-away for the Chinese leadership after Tienanmen Square was that if they wanted to stay in power, they had to change the way they got business done...and, here's the thing, they did change and the people of China and the world are way better for it.  China is now, arguably, the most business-friendly country on the planet.  If you do a start-up in the United States these days, you raise some U.S. venture capital money and build a factory in China ASAP, because, thanks to the EPA, OSHA, and various other local, state, and federal "authorities," you'll be retired and being paid the big bucks consulting with Chinese companies before you'll build a factory in the U.S.  The Chinese government sees Business as a partner that provides jobs and income for the otherwise unruly masses, as opposed to western governments who view Business as an adversary and potential source of revenue.

As the Athenians learned during the Peloponnesian War and our Founding Fathers recognized, a democracy is not any way to run a country...Thomas Hobbes was right, under a democracy, "life is nasty, brutish, and short." Recognizing the inherent drawbacks of mob rule, the United States was founded as a representative republic which has edged ever closer to a democracy as the number of government employees and recipients of government largess have increasingly dominated the population of voters.

We can only hope that there are rational, clear decision makers driving the bus in Egypt right now, because a rational person should put no hope in the mob in the streets...just as no rational person should put hope in the professional politicians, government employees, or government largess recipients in the United States.

God help us all.

The great disappearing toad mystery solved...

A while back, I wrote about a paper that appeared in the Journal of Zoological Douchery - or some such - where the authors reported that all the toads in an entire swamp had mysteriously disappeared just prior to the 2009 L'Aquila earthquake in Italy.  Said authors had traveled to Italy to study said toads and were somewhat "annoyed" to discover that there were no toads to study.  So to justify their stay on the Italian Riviera, said authors wrote a "paper" on the fact that there were no toads there because the toads had cleared out prior to the earthquake and ascribed this disappearance to a disturbance in the ionosphere or some such nonsense.

I don't doubt that this mysterious toad disappearance has continued to bother most people.  Why did the toads leave?  Are they okay?  Are extraterrestrials involved?  Can we blame it on global warming?  (This last from noted thinker, Al Gore)  After all, we can't just have toads disappearing without explanation.  Fortunately, this month's Geology magazine has come to the rescue and shed some light on this mystery.  A paper by Toshiko Terakawa used focal mechanism tomography - read "a way to let us publish awesome looking 3-D color pictures in our article" - to infer that the L'Aquila earthquake was caused by high pressure carbon dioxide infiltrating into the fault zone.  This infiltration had the effect of lubricating the fractured rock surfaces, causing them to slip.  Dr. Terakawa notes that the infiltration was accompanied by a "diffuse degassing."  In other words, a great deal of carbon dioxide was seeping up out of the ground in the days prior to the earthquake.  One might imagine that with all this carbon dioxide coming out of the ground, life down at toad level might have become generally unpleasant...not only is it getting hard to breathe, but your favorite swamp water is slowly turning into one big Scotch and soda minus the Scotch.

In a second paper in the same issue of Geology, Francesco Pio Lucente presents his analysis of the 188 foreshocks that preceded the main earthquake.  Dr. Lucente's analysis is not particularly relevant here, but note:  There were 188 small earthquakes leading up to the main event.  So, imagine if you will, you're a toad living in the L'Aquila toad swamp when the whole place starts jiggling like a Jello mold on a folding card table.  I suspect that to whatever degree the toad brain can conceptualize "This sucks" it did and they cleared out to more stable - and breathable - swamp land.

Mystery solved.  You're welcome.